It just... I dunno. Seems too easy.

But I suppose it's right. God is usually better at this stuff than I am. I may want him to suffer and get the shit kicked out of him in a prison for the rest of his days, but maybe he really is sick instead of evil. I don't know. Or maybe the eval will come back negative and he is evil and will get the shit kicked out of him for the rest of his days.

I just have to trust.

In other news, I had a job interview Friday that seemed to go really well. It was meant to be just 15 minutes long, and it went nearly a half an hour. Hoping that when I get a call this week they will say "We liked you! Please come back for a second interview!" And then they will say "Stay forever!" I want to work soooooo badly... I need money. I need to pay my debts. I need to take care of my responsibilities. I need to take care of myself...

Blah blah, whine. Stop. Kay.

On the upside of everything, I am sitting in the sun drinking tea, and currently the house is empty. Also, in the shed the wall is up, insulated, the door has a knob with a LOCK... All I need is a heater and to move in my stuff (and to move out the wood) and I will be moving steadily toward more sanity. Whee.

It's sunny today.


(:

ETA:

And I have an interview Friday! Yay something!

We've been working hard, and I've been documenting to the best of my abilities.

Life in a Shed, thus far.

Yep. I'm not too perky today, but hey. That's what the weekend is for.

Which means it's clearly time for an update while I think of more places to apply to.

Depending on how you count, I've applied to either 11 or 15 jobs (because I applied to Blockbuster 4 times and Burger King twice, you see). That's more in a week than I may have been able to find in Kremmling the whole time I was there d: So yay. Now somebody just needs to say "Okay, we trust you enough to open boxes and place objects on shelves. Please to not be slicing off your fingers with the box-opener."

The longer I live here, the more I become concrete in my thinking that boys make all the amounts of sense in the world while girls are just little bundles of crazy. Seriously. I GET Ethan and Robbie. The way they think makes total and complete sense to me. It may be flawed at times (if Ethan doesn't understand a word sometimes, he automatically assumes it is a "bad" word and chastises the user of said word, but this is easily corrected), but whatever. It can be followed. McCara and Lena? Who the hell knows? Lena is slightly easier because she's only almost 6, so everything is still... simplistic to her. But I mean, I don't know why the shower is such a horrible awful thing to her. I mean, "You have to take a shower today," made the girl CRY. Why? Don't ask me why, I do not know. And McCara operates on a plane that is entirely her own. Where she is, of course, Queen. Whenever this delusion is shattered, she pouts, naturally. However, I do not know most times what it is that I'm doing to shatter the delusion. She doesn't ALWAYS thinks she is Queen, does that make sense? I didn't think so.

But they all think I'm wonderful, so that's nice. Actually, they mostly think I'm the coolest new toy they've ever received. But so does their dad (who is determined to get me to play every video game he has and try every food his wife won't... which I don't totally mind. I like new stuff). I really don't mind their obsession with riding bikes with me (I use their dad's) as, like I said, exercise is good. However, I accidentally got some weather stuck in my car or something. It's been rather colder here than it ought to be since I got here... Whoops d:

Oh, yes, I hit a snow drift on my way here. Colorado kicked my ass. Actually, I SMASHED my car into a snow drift. With both sides. Somehow. I bounced out, somehow. It was pretty impressive. All I did was break both reflectors on the drivers side clear in half (missing the halves toward the doors, the other halves are intact d: ), get a crack in my fender, and knock my headlight a little off kilter. I still need to fix that... I also impacted snow in EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE CREVACE of my poor car. This made my allignment go all screwy until I got to a warm enough climate for it to come off, then it was all good. My car loves me. Poor thing d:

Poor Rae and Robert are under the constant impression that I'm miserable here, and I'm not. I mean, no more miserable than I am PERIOD... Which I am trying so desperately to fix. The truth is, being in a happy household is so odd for me d: Such a nice change. There is such a finite amount of yelling here compared to what I'm used to... Even though I spend all day filling out applications and listening to little kids shrieking and killing each other in Shadowbane, it's been like vacation. o_o Now if just all these bills would go away we'd be golden d: Oh, and the whole GETTING A JOB thing. Grawh.

Robert and I are supposed to start working on the shed for me to move into this week. Yay! Yeah, I'm actually moving into the shed. (x I am such a vagabond. Having a door to close will be loverly, I don't know what I am going to do about storing all my clothes (of which I have too many, but whatev), but I'm looking forward to getting creative. And creative I must get... Right now I have a couple of shelves in the linen closet cleared off for me, which is pretty much ALL used up by what little I have in, but I figure it will clear off when I have a place to put my bags and oh, yeah, a permanent place for my bedding that I put up during the day (since I sleep on the couch). I dunno, folks, I don't know. We shall see what I can make of my little home.

I still need to sell things. Bad. And I need to stop doing the "les sigh"ing thing I'm so prone too. It can't be good for my moods. Smile therapy. Blah blah blah.
Of course, to sell things, I need to get them out of my car, haha. Have so not been near my car... Ugh. No motivation. Suck.


Some day I would like to start a REAL blog, for funsies. I just don't know what on earth I'd blog about. I don't konw enough about anything (x Ah well.

Watched both the 24 movie and "Mirrors" with Rae and Robert last night. So, you know, Kiefer Sutherland overload (if there is such a thing, which there is not). Mirrors mostly was not overly enjoyable, unless watching poor Kiefer slowly go from slightly stupid down-on-his-luck Ben back to super-awesome-bad-ass-sticking-a-gun-in-people's-faces Jack Bauer again by the end of the movie. Still, none too impressed.

But that's not why I'm writing.

We spent about four hours with dear Kiefer, watching him cut through jungles, run through jungles and delapidated buildings and flooding basements, killing terrorists and wrassling with demons. The man has to be in awesome shape. Yet, do we EVAR see him with his shirt off? No. He exists with his shirt off in Mirrors... in the reflection of the TV. For like, a milisecond. Which is not enough. And then they tease you with his barely there waistline for about a half a milisecond.

It gets weirder children.

He buttons his buttons ALL THE WAY to the top. ALL THE TIME. I mean, he's being a security gaurd of a burned up crappy building. And it's like three in the morning. What does he think, the boss might come by, must look professional just in case? Pur-lease.

Kiefer Sutherland and Ryan Kelly are SO related. "I work out ten bajillion times a day and NO you may not see my chest WHAT are you thinking?????? So indecent!!!!! O:"

That was Rae and mine's brilliant revelation of the night. The end.

Sometimes I worry that I'm never going to be able to reassemble the pieces of my shattered little life.



I've always felt bad for foisting my feeling badness onto my friends, and for a while I thought it was because I didn't want to be a downer, and this would always be doused with the "But we love you!"s and such, and I know that's probably true most of the time (self-image issues, blah blah blah, whatever)... but now I realize.

It must be dreadfully painful to watch somebody you love have to nearly literally drag themselves through almost every day of their existence for so long...

Must be why the one person on the planet I lie to more than any other is my mom.


I miss her so much. I haven't been able to talk to her since I left Colorado. I guess that's probably what set off this little miniature not-quite-an-anxiety attack. I just feel so lost and helpless sometimes. It's all run off the tracks and I don't know how to bring it back.




On the miniscule bright side, there are four kids who currently think I am the coolest thing since peanut-butter honey sandwiches, and who constantly want me to ride bikes with them. This is awesome because my gigantically huge fat ass needs to get into shape lyke way super bad. When you're a mountain girl going to sea-level should be a breath of fresh air, not... well, no change. So yay spawn, I guess.

One day I hope I know what "home" is (:

Finished Dark Knight...

HOLY FUCKING INTENSITY BATMAN.

For serious. Um, wow. Yeah. I cannot quite handle that much... yeah. The guy in the cell... He nearly made me cry. "He said he'd make the voices go away... He said he'd fill it with lights instead, like Christmas..." So awful...

On other notes, after watching Batman Begins, I was PRETTY damned sure I wasn't crazy about the new "style" of Batman, and now I am absolutely certain. It's just so... serious. Batman is supposed to be cheesy and weird and kooky. I used to get up early when I was a kid so I could watch the old TV series. So much classicness. The only part of this movie that made me feel like I was actually watching Batman was when he kicked the SWAT team out of the building that were all attached to each other. Crack. Up. I mean, it wasn't a bad movie or anything (although like I said, it was WAY too intense for me, and there are some other points I'll get to), it just wasn't... BATMAN.y. Enough. For me.

So, agree it was the performance of Heath Ledger's life, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, wow. Man on fire there. Scary. Have I mentioned it was intense? I still have insane issues with Christian Bale's "Batman Voice". It bugs the hell out of me. I won't lie. I heart Maggie Gyllenhaal. Had a long discussion about whether or not she and Kirsten Dunst are related. This movie had way too many plot lines and I couldn't keep up half the time. If I were Gordon and Twoface just finally was not pointing a gun at my family, I think I would be all gushy over them and not checking on Batman. But that's me. Gordon's priorities tend to be a little wonky.

This movie left me disturbed and unsettled on levels I cannot possibly convey. I did not enjoy watching it at all. HOWEVER. I would not ever say it was a bad movie. It was NOT Batman to me, but it wasn't a bad movie. Just not a movie I enjoyed. So, there.




Ryan Kelly doesn't love me I don't think. Damn. (x

No lose LJ (:

From the e-mails...

"As has been reported, we had staff cuts at LiveJournal Inc. this week. Early media reports seriously exaggerated the impact of the decision on the continued existence of LiveJournal as a company and misrepresented the scope of the staff cuts. The cuts were part of a restructuring that shifted global design and product development to the LiveJournal office in Moscow. Product decisions for the English-language site will still be made in the U.S., and LiveJournal Inc. remains headquartered in San Francisco. You can read more about the reasoning behind the restructuring here.

The restructuring is done with an eye to the future to ensure the long-term viability of LiveJournal as a business. As a team, we know that LJ has a great future as it prepares for its second decade. We recently invested a considerable amount on all-new server equipment and a facility in Montana to house it all as part of our commitment to the longevity of LJ. We will be around for years to come and we're committed to ensuring that your journals, friends pages, and communities will be, too.

As with any of these kinds of decisions, it's always hardest to lose valued team members. We're very sad to see our colleagues go and want to acknowledge all the hard work, dedication, and love they've given LiveJournal over the years. They will be missed. While they are no longer a part of LiveJournal Inc., they are still a part of the LJ community."

Does this mean Lotje will stop posting every day? ): 
(;


In other news, I still hate packing, and my room is INSANE. Headed over there in about an hour when my dad should be awake and therefore the house should be unlocked. Whee.

There was a time in my life, however brief, when people were jealous of how together I had it.

I remember when we were doing predictions in Spanish class about where people would end up in the future (just to use future tense, really) and one girl said that I would grow up and "work in the White House".

Now all I do is sit up at night in somebody else's house and cry, wondering how I'm ever going to fix all of this.

I'm sorry you have to see this drivel.






Also, I wonder where the hell some of my stuff went. VERY annoyed over that.

Dear LJ,

So, I totally get that you SUCK AT LIFE, but please please PLEASE pretty please don't die.

I would totally miss my mood-set. Lyke a lot. You don't. Even. Know.

Lots of ambivalent feelings,

Me

Irony of ironies, I was totally going to post about how I wished I had more to write about besides how I am a creature incapable of running my own life today. Alas.

LJ and I were made for each other. <3

So last night was mostly good until it was really really bad all at once.

Anyway.

We went over to the family's friends' house and just kind of hung out. Lots of finger foods and LOTS of booze and playing pool and stuff like that. I really didn't drink that much. The last time I got totally wasted I ended up crying all over everybody and being a nuisance and not remembering much and having bruises and bumps and a cut on my head... lame.

But it was good and stuff and we smokers who are quitting had our last light-ups and stuff.

And then John and Bobby and I were out having out lasts and John was talking about having a problem with Bob, and Bob came outside. So I sidled down to the end of the deck. Rick had come with him, and all four of them were WASTED, so they're all sitting there incoherently arguing about whatever, and finally Bobby and Rick go inside to leave them alone, and for whatever reason, I'm just like, paralyzed on my end of the deck. Stuck there listening to this.

I had a panic attack. For no good reason.

It's a little fuzzy, but I know I fell down (I'd been hyperventilating a bit, but keeping it together, but apparently that didn't last). John helped me up, and Bob directed him to take me inside where Debbie grabbed me and pulled me onto the couch. Somebody took my glasses and I just sat there and wheezed and freaked and tried to get it all under control for what felt like days. At some point I managed to spit out that I was having a panic attack, and I was able to shake and nod my head to a few questions (a few were key, like did I need to go to the ER, which would have been so utterly miserable and unnecessary it doesn't bear thinking about). People kept talking, mostly to Debbie, reiterating what she already knew.

I do know that my right hand was stuck in my coat pocket for most of the time. I barely got my left out to grab John's hand and pull myself off the deck. Blegh.

Eventually people got me into the car, and Brenda had to buckle me in because I was making a terrible mockery of the act.

Got back home and between the four of them, got into the house, got my coat off, and was put to bed. At some point I managed to get myself into the bathroom. Also took off my button-up shirt and put on my hoodie, and took off my (somehow) wet socks and put on my slippers. Some miserable kind of sore this morning, and all my muscles are still tense and jittery.

Haven't had a good panic attack in a while.




And just a reminder to certain readers; YOU can judge me all you fucking want, but I will always be at least 10,000 times harder on myself. There's really no need, but you know, whatever the hell makes you happy.

I don't know how I got here. How it all went so wrong so fast.

I don't think I've ever been this miserable while still being coherent.



Nothing else to say, really.



Just keep smiling, dammit.

So, let's talk Twilight!

Took Brenda to the midnight showing last night/this morning, and it was badass. We played some arcade games and annoyed some annoying people. Good good.

And then they let us in and there was more annoying people all around, and they had a little dress-up contest (with a whopping four participants! I live in the STICKS.) and took a picture of us all. And finally started the movie.

Here follows some possibly spoilery thoughts of mine.

( Here be spoilers )

I should probably wait til I see it again Saturday to make a lot of assessment, but psht. It was a grand movie.
Also, on the plus side, we ran out of the theatre quickly enough to not have to listen to any fangirly whining about "This wasn't in the book and this was in the book but not in the movie and OMG!!!!!" So go us.

Happiest of birthdays to Laura and Brian. (: <3





Other than that, um... PUPPIES!!!! Fer sirius. And yeah. Election over. Ads done, facebook status wars start. It's freezing and I can't start a fire until Debbie gets home and cleans the stove. Bundled up in bed watching Arrested Development with the dogs cuddling.

That is all.

I swear to all that is good in this world, if it weren't for the people I'm staying with now, I would just throw in the towel.

Last weekend (of the 10th) I went down to Grand Junction with my mom for eye doctor appointments and just to spend the weekend away. Eye doc was just dandy, have cute new glasses on the way. Whee.

My cousin's cousin was found dead on a park bench in Emerson park the day before. Friday they identified her to her family, so we found out. My mom babysat her a few times. Heather.

Saturday was one month since Jacob's death. Sunday we went to church out at Kannah Creek and saw Jaquette. It was mom's first time seeing her since all of this. It was hard.

Today, Bob took Rhea to be put down. Rhea is the last remaining of the original dogs they had when Terrie and I were kids. I remember when they got her and were so excited. But she could barely walk anymore, couldn't be brushed because her skin was too sensitive, had huge sores on her elbows... It was the right thing, but it's still hard. Lots of people came over yesterday to say goodbye to her.

I can't tell you how beat up I am. I would love to be sad over Rhea, but I had to get over it fast so I can be there for the family. Which is fine... I need to not be wallowing any more.

But seriously. I. Am. Wiped.

So my life is endlessly complicated. *thumbs up* I guess. I mean, it could be worse.

I'm currently not living with my parents. Instead, I've temporarily(?) moved in with Terrie's family. Basically, this happened;

I was in my room sleeping Friday morning before last. I got woken up by my idiot brother slamming stuff around and repeating "Fucking piece of shit!" Over and over. Which typically means he's upset with the computer. Upsetting, but we persevere. Out of NOWHERE, he starts screaming at me through my door that he's going to break down the door and beat the shit out of me. Over and over. Calling me a stupid bitch the entire time and, on his way out to the backyard for a smoke, a cunt. So I sat in my bedroom and cried as quietly as I could for two and a half hours until I was sure they were asleep, took a shower, got stuff together, and took off for Summit. My mom got home right before I left and asked what was up, I told her, and she said, simply, "What an idiot." Mmhmm. So I dinked around in Summit for about 5 hours, just keeping occupied, talked to a couple people on the phone and cried, and finally got a hold of Terrie, and we decided I'd go to her house.

Her mom was locked out at the time, so she came and got me at the mailboxes of Spring Creek and led me to their neighbors, and continued to pump me full of booze. I love these people... <3

Over the weekend we went and saw Terrie, which was AWESOME, and stole me a bike, also awesome. Terrie and I went to the Bronco game all decked out (though neither of us had been to a game in our lives...). We followed the crowd d: If they cheered, we cheered. If they booed, we booed. If they gasped, we looked around hopelessly to try and figure out what was going on... We ate arena brats piled high with crap, and walked there and back among a whole lot of crazy people. Good times.

Stayed at their house all week... Emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher... that has been my main function. And defrosting meat on occasion.

This past weekend my mom and I went to Grand Junction for eye appointments, and got spa-ed up by my aunt. Good times. Had lunch Sunday with our old pastor Bobby and his wife Carolyn, along with their daughter Sheri and her... Pete. *shrugs* Also good times.

Headed home, informed my mom that I was NOT reconsidering coming home, then had to break the news to dad as well. It wasn't easy, but... Here's what I told them.

I'm TIRED of being yelled at for either something I didn't do or absolutely nothing at all. I'm sick of it. And this? Actually being threatened? Giant straw breaking camel's back. It's not fair to me to have to be around that constantly, and it's not healthy for me either; mentally or physically. I've never been sick so often as since I got home.

Nick sent me text messages the day after. One apologizing for "the other day" and another reminding me he's all bark and no bite. Well sorry, but not biting does NOT give you the right to bark at me as you wish. He also said he "bought a house" so I could go home. They got an old RV. And parked it in the backyard. ...Sorry, but no dice. I'm not that naive.

Mom and dad have turned this into an excuse to attack his living situation and his useless wife. Which, okay, yeah, should be dealt with but... They keep discussing him as if HE were the victim in all of this. And I get a guilt trip laid on me.

Are you kidding? I will NOT feel guilty for this. I am doing what's right by me because nobody else will. I am not trying to hurt my parents, and I honestly don't think it's fair that they feel hurt towards me. But hey. They're entitled to their feelings as well, I suppose.

So yeah, that's that.

In other news, Saturday was the one month anniversary of Jacob's death. Also, my cousin's cousin was found dead in a Grand Junction park.

And I still can't find a job.

After the holidays, I'm moving in with some friends in Tri-Cities, Washington. I can't stay here any more. I just can't.

So I haven't really been sleeping lately. I've gotten the most sleep in the past two days than I have for the past 3 weeks thanks to awful cramps that leave me no option but to lie and moan. I just get so anxious when I have to sleep. Even taking my sleeping meds, I've been jolting awake in 4 hours. Taking the full dosage. It's ridiculous. I have to go back to Wiz anyway because I'm out of refills on all my meds, but... I don't know.

To top it off, my back/hips have been giving me HELL lately. Pinching nerves every chance they get, not letting me sit up straight or stand for more than 30 minutes. I think I may actually be getting into the thinking of trying acupuncture. It's the only thing I can think of anymore...

Job hunting is miserable as always. If I don't have something by next Friday, I'm hanging my pride up and going to work at the grocery store for a while. At least it will be SOME sort of paycheck. I have me some plane tickets to buy.

I'm endlessly homesick for Portland. I hate this place. My soul is all but done being sucked out.

Some days I feel perfectly fine, but then there are days like this. I might have to give Lisa a call and go in for a couple rounds. *shrug*

It's been 3 weeks. It still hurts as bad as it did then. I'm super-sensitive to certain subjects. It's ridiculous. But it's the way it is I suppose. One more reason to call Lisa.

On the up and up I've finally got a decent screencapping program and have been going nuts. I love it.  Jus' sayin'.




I miss my keyboard. ):

Went to the funeral Saturday. It was really lovely and the mortuary was positively PACKED. I had to park across the road and was in standing-room only in the overflow area. They eventually opened the casket, but I spared myself that... Was pretty sure I couldn't have taken it.

Drove out to Kannah Creek for the internment, which was also lovely. They brought Jacob's favorite horse from the stables he was learning to ride at, and Jaquette released a bunch of balloons into the air at the end, symbolizing letting go. And promptly nearly fell to the ground, poor dear.

A lot of my stress was alleviated though seeing her family take care of her. I worry too much about others some times. They're making her eat and sleep, so that's good. Somebody needs to...

Spent the entire time really hanging out with Carolyn and Shelly, since they were the only people I knew on my own there. It was incredibly hard not having my mum there to introduce me around and to cling to, but it was good also. I sat and ate with Jaquette and them.

I'm not "all better" by any stretch of the imagination, but it was very therapeutic to go through the process of letting go in a group.

Listened to "Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ" by Ryan Kelly afterward, and it really rang true for me. I've heard the song before but it always just made me sad. Saturday it uplifted me. A good end to the day.

Just gets better and better, doesn't it?


I just feel sick. I don't know how else I could feel. This is just so... ugh.




Funeral's Saturday morning. I WANT to go, I just don't know if I'm strong enough. I think I need to though.

I just don't know any more. It's hard to stand upright when the world tips like this.